A Stand-Up Kind Of Vampire (Part IV)
by Victor
Summary: originally posted at buffyguide.com for S/W shippers


A Stand-Up Kind Of Vampire  
  
  
  
Another title change. I had to squeeze in the NO SPOILERS! part so no one  
would be afraid to read it. And just to keep things up on the disclaimer end:  
There are no spoilers here. No speculation, rumor, heresay, or snippets of  
things to come...probably ever. All of this comes from my own mind and a deep  
rooted desire to write for a certain tv show that we all know and love (we all  
watch "COPS", right?).   
If anything you read here shows up on an actual episode of BtVS, I'm sorry  
for having spoiled it for you. I will also be ecstatic that something I wrote  
made it in and quite pissed that I didn't get credit for it...but I digress...  
I'll pick up right where we left off, so if you haven't read PARTs I, II, and  
III yet, do so (you may have to look for a bit, but they're there. Vampire  
Slayer D was kind enough to link all three parts together a few days ago).  
Then come back and read some more.  
Enjoy.  
  
  
Spike flops onto the couch. "Anything good on the telly? What time does 'Talk  
Soup' come on?"  
W:"You actually watch that? I thought you'd think you were above that sort of  
thing."  
G:"It...um...doesn't come on until later."  
Willow gives Giles a surprised look.  
G:"I know. It's a bit of a guilty pleasure."  
S:"See? How bad can it be if he watches it?"  
W:"Highlights from 'My brother's trans-sexual third wife married my dog'  
certainly qualifies as guilty. I guess the pleasure part is something you'd have  
to be there for."  
S:"I think I saw that one..."  
G:"I just realized..." looking at Spike, "You knocked before you came in."  
S:"Yeah? So?"  
G:"I've already invited you in once and you've never had a problem barging in  
before."  
S:"I don't have a problem barging in now. I just...didn't...this time."  
G:"Are you feeling alright?"  
S:"Oh, sod off."  
G:"Willow, I'm having some tea. Can I get you something from the kitchen?"  
W:"No, thanks."  
S:"Don't ask me if I want anything."  
G:"I'm terribly sorry. I'd gotten used to you simply making it known when you  
wanted something."  
S:"If you're going to attempt 'funny', you should wear less tweed."  
Giles starts toward the kitchen. "Do you want anything or not?"  
S:"I can't decide." He gets up to follow Giles.  
W:"I told him."  
S:"Told him what?"  
W:"About our date tomorrow night."  
S:"Aww, Red. What'd you go and do that for? I thought you wanted it t'be our  
little secret."  
W:"Well...I just had to tell somebody. And besides, secrets and I don't go  
together really well. It's kinda like eye of newt and toe of frog. Mix 'em and  
all you get is a stinky orange mess that doesn't really help you."  
S:"I'll take your word for that." He goes into the kitchen with Giles and  
stands there for a moment saying nothing.  
Willow calls from the living room. "Actually, Giles. Do you have any orange  
juice?"  
G:"I'll check."  
S:"So...umm...she told you, did she?"  
Giles gets a glass from the cupboard and a bottle of orange juice from the  
refrigerator. "Yes, she did."  
S:"And you don't approve."  
G:"Of her reaching her own conclusions? Of being brave enough to take a  
chance on something? I approve wholeheartedly. As for her taking a shine to  
you...I'm a little less chipper."  
S:"Strangely though, you're not talking my bloody ears off about it."  
G:"I said 'less chipper', not 'stark raving mad'. We talked about you...and her.  
And I cautioned her about your -- shall we say...repressed? -- tendencies."  
S:"So you're alright with it, then?"  
G:"Let's not push it."  
S:"Right. So. Umm...would you... Can I... Bloody hell, this is hard."  
G:"I'm sorry?"  
S:"I need to... I want... BUGGER!"  
Giles has a concerned, if befuddled look on his face.  
Spike squares his shoulders, takes a deep breath, puts on his best sneer, and  
leans in close to Giles' face. "You and I are gonna have a talk, mate. About the  
witch. About me. And about what I'm supposed to do on a date with her."  
G:"What?"  
S:"Oh, God. Don't make me say it again. It was difficult enough the first time."  
G:"Just...umm...wait one moment, would you?" He carries the glass of juice to  
Willow and returns to the kitchen. "Are you asking me for help?"  
S:"Here it comes. The mockery heard 'round the world."  
G:"No, actually. I'm honestly unclear about what you're asking."  
S:"Yes. That's what I'm asking. I don't know how to 'go out' with someone.  
I've spent the last hundred years skulking about in cemetaries trying to find  
new ways to kill people, not show them a good time. And now this. While I  
despise asking for your help, I readily admit to being a wee bit unprepared for  
my situation."  
G:"Shouldn't you talk to Willow about this?"  
S:"Yeah, right. She's got a good impression of me, largely because I'm  
helpless to do anything to prove otherwise, but I'd rather not come off as  
completely clueless."  
G:"You're serious. You really want to do the right thing here, don't you?"  
S:"Oh, bloody...you're going to be no help, I can see that now. Listen, I'm  
going out for an hour. One hour. I give you my word that'll I'll be back, but  
I've got to go talk to somebody else about this."  
G:"I, ah, don't know if that's such a good idea."  
S:"I don't recall asking for your permission. And besides, the worst thing  
that'll happen is I'll get my arse kicked by a bunch of kids because I can't  
defend myself and I'll come back here to get fixed up. Either way I'll end up  
here. Or dead. Can't see you shedding any tears over that one, though."  
G:"Spike..."  
S:"Nah. I know. I'm talking garbage to cover up my insecurities, right? Maybe  
so. Anyway, don't let Red come after me. If she wants to be here when I get  
back, fine. But I don't want to find her and Buffy out on the hunt for me, you  
understand?"  
G:"Yes."  
S:"And don't tell her why I've left, either."  
G:"I thought that went without saying."  
S:"Well, I've said it. So you can't say it. Not even if she guesses."  
G:"Fine. Alright. Go."  
Spike gets to the front door, waits for the tea kettle to begin whistling, and  
quickly exits.  
Willow, obviously caught up in a television program, turns around at the shrill  
sound. "Hey, where's Spike?"  
G:"He, ahh, he left. For a bit. He'll be back in an hour."  
W:"He left? But why? Where did he go? Was it something I did? Was it  
something I said? It was, wasn't it? He thinks I'm just some-"  
G:"He didn't tell me where he was going and I'm not supposed to tell you why  
he left, but he assured me that he would return in one hour."  
W:"But you're going to tell me what you're not supposed to tell me anyway.  
Aren't you?"  
G:"I was going to, yes. But now...I don't think so. I do promise to tell you later,  
but not yet. Just trust me when I do tell you that there's nothing wrong with  
you or anything you may have said."  
W:"Is that you talking, or Spike?"  
G:"Both, actually."  
There's a knock at the door. Willow gets up to answer it. "Spike? Is that you?"  
She opens the door to see Buffy.  
G:"Oh dear."  
W:"This is about as far from good as I can get, isn't it?"  
B:"No, not really. But you're definitely in the 'clarify, please' section of the  
conversation."  



End file.
